Today has been a nice day. I watched Station 19 pretty much all day. I also got to cuddle with my cats which was nice. Station 19 is a great show on ABC which I highly recommend. It's a lot of fun and definitely worth the watch.
I thought about S a few times today. Not a lot or for long, but I did. The guilt is back, but it's not as bad as before. I didn't think of full sentences or anything. He just popped into my head for a tiny bit, but then went away. I'm not wondering what he is doing. We haven't had contact. I don't desire to either. I even unfollowed him on Instagram.
I haven't unfriended him from FaceBook or Snapchat yet because I figured that would be too soon for him. He mentioned that he wanted to reach out to me later on. I know I should block him and I want to, but I know he doesn't want that yet. When he does call me eventually, I have promised myself to be completely honest. I know that may hurt him more, but I need to do it for him and for my own growth.
I have a habit of holding things back because I'm afraid it would hurt others. I take my feelings put them in a box and then stuff it away. Most of the time I can forget about them, but sometimes....not so much. It especially did not work when it came to my relationship. I don't always have a problem communicating. I can say how I feel a lot of the time. My problem is if the person I'm trying to communicate with is having a difficult time, I push my feelings to the back burner because I don't want to make things worse or I feel that my feelings don't matter because the person is going through something and they don't need to deal with my bullshit.
I guess the truth is that I never feel like my feelings are important enough. I don't speak up because I automatically feel that their feelings have priority. I feel like I can always talk about mine later, but later rarely comes by and those feelings just get put into a box like the others and put away.
I did that a lot with S. He had a lot of problems going on towards the end of our relationship. I had so many things I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him about the moving too fast and my doubts, but his depression was bad and he was having so many panic attacks. So, I didn't say anything. It just built up until I couldn't hold it in anymore. I told him why I didn't tell him right away and he understandably got upset that I waited. He's right. I shouldn't have, but at the same time, I know without a doubt it would have made things worse for him. You see, he's got some strength in him, but he can be emotionally weak. The moment something goes wrong it's the end of the world. There is no solution in sight. There are many times where I had to come up with solutions for his own issues. I know that if I said what I had been meaning to say, it would have crushed him and he would not know what to do. I would have to come up with a solution. The problem is that I cannot always be the one to fix things.
Anyway, today has been great. I still don't regret my decision. I feel like writing this post did help me come to terms with how I deal with my feelings. I realize now that I can't really do what I have been doing anymore. It can just hurt people in the long run. Now I just have to put that into practice.
W
Has there been a time where you held back your feelings/thoughts because you felt that their feelings mattered more?
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