Logbook 2

Today has been a nice day. I watched Station 19 pretty much all day. I also got to cuddle with my cats which was nice. Station 19 is a great show on ABC which I highly recommend. It's a lot of fun and definitely worth the watch.

I thought about S a few times today. Not a lot or for long, but I did. The guilt is back, but it's not as bad as before. I didn't think of full sentences or anything. He just popped into my head for a tiny bit, but then went away. I'm not wondering what he is doing. We haven't had contact. I don't desire to either. I even unfollowed him on Instagram.

I haven't unfriended him from FaceBook or Snapchat yet because I figured that would be too soon for him. He mentioned that he wanted to reach out to me later on. I know I should block him and I want to, but I know he doesn't want that yet. When he does call me eventually, I have promised myself to be completely honest. I know that may hurt him more, but I need to do it for him and for my own growth.

I have a habit of holding things back because I'm afraid it would hurt others. I take my feelings put them in a box and then stuff it away. Most of the time I can forget about them, but sometimes....not so much. It especially did not work when it came to my relationship. I don't always have a problem communicating. I can say how I feel a lot of the time. My problem is if the person I'm trying to communicate with is having a difficult time, I push my feelings to the back burner because I don't want to make things worse or I feel that my feelings don't matter because the person is going through something and they don't need to deal with my bullshit.

I guess the truth is that I never feel like my feelings are important enough. I don't speak up because I automatically feel that their feelings have priority. I feel like I can always talk about mine later, but later rarely comes by and those feelings just get put into a box like the others and put away.

I did that a lot with S. He had a lot of problems going on towards the end of our relationship. I had so many things I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him about the moving too fast and my doubts, but his depression was bad and he was having so many panic attacks. So, I didn't say anything. It just built up until I couldn't hold it in anymore. I told him why I didn't tell him right away and he understandably got upset that I waited. He's right. I shouldn't have, but at the same time, I know without a doubt it would have made things worse for him. You see, he's got some strength in him, but he can be emotionally weak. The moment something goes wrong it's the end of the world. There is no solution in sight. There are many times where I had to come up with solutions for his own issues. I know that if I said what I had been meaning to say, it would have crushed him and he would not know what to do. I would have to come up with a solution. The problem is that I cannot always be the one to fix things.

Anyway, today has been great. I still don't regret my decision. I feel like writing this post did help me come to terms with how I deal with my feelings. I realize now that I can't really do what I have been doing anymore. It can just hurt people in the long run. Now I just have to put that into practice.



W


Has there been a time where you held back your feelings/thoughts because you felt that their feelings mattered more?

Logbook 1

Today was not a normal day. My day started at the unholy hour of 2:00 a.m. My dad and I were on our way to NYC for his job and a Broadway show.

I tried to sleep on the way down, but I could only manage a light dose where I could still hear everything and still think. Oh, how I wish that I was knocked out so I wouldn't think because my thoughts immediately went to S. I mean of course they would because I'm an obsessive indecisive self-destructive person.

I don't fully understand what I was thinking. I think it was a mix of guilt for breaking his heart and wondering if I made a mistake. This weird jumble of thoughts lasted for two hours. Finally, we made it to Long Island to pick up a news truck. Came to find that I forgot my purse at home. I blame that on my scatterbrain and being distracted about S.

This time, I had to navigate. So I am not forced to stay fully conscious for about 45 minutes until we reached NYC. For those of you who are unaware, my dad has a contract with ABC news to fix their vans and trucks.

During this time I was feeling less emotional but still felt shitty. My thoughts were no longer forming words or sentences. Just pure emotion. The guilt and sadness rolled within me.

You see I feel so guilty about breaking up with him. I know he needed me and towards the end, my emotional confusion destroyed him even when I didn't mean for it to happen. But that's the thing with relationships, isn't it? People get hurt no matter what you do. What matters is what you do about it.

We get to the city and not long after my dad and I go to breakfast. I'm not physically feeling well due to lack of food, but of course, my feelings don't care about that. My thoughts turned back into words and all I kept thinking about is What if he's right?

You see, when I broke up with S last night, he was understandably furious. In the beginning, he called me a liar, a user, a waste. He said that I must be bipolar or aromantic because I am obviously not capable of falling in love. That I'm a robot who doesn't care.

You see I did care, but I wasn't in love with him like he was me. The whole relationship moved too fast for me and I tried to slow it down but he just kept barreling forward. I'm not saying this to blame him, but it is my reason for needing to use the emergency brake. We have only dated for almost 4 months. He fell in love with me in the middle of month 2. It scared the shit out of me, but I didn't want to break up. But then he bombed a huge ass important interview so he wouldn't be away from me for the summer and he was spending his money on my left and right. I had to stop it. He was ruining himself professionally and financially for me when I didn't ask him to. Plus, that put a lot of pressure on me, which made me start to feel caged.

What he said to me hurt so much. He even went on to say that I will never find someone as nice as him or as selfless and that I was making a huge mistake. That he was right all along that I was going to leave and so was his friends. I met his friends like once, so I don't know why he listened to his friends on that one.

But anyway, all through breakfast I kept wondering if he was right. I liked S a lot. But I'm not heartbroken about the breakup nor am I really regretting the decision. I had someone who was head over heels for me and I threw it away. What if I really am heartless? 

Thoughts like that haunted me throughout breakfast. Luckily, we didn't stay long. We went back to his work and I got to blissfully sleep in one of the news vans. This time no thoughts or emotions bothered me.

The news truck that I got to sleep in

When I woke up, I immediately started reading the book I brought with me. It's called Love and Luck by Jenna Evan's Welch. The book is what inspired me to start this log.

A great read for those of you who like to read about personal growth and getting over heartbreak

After, I finished the book (I'm a really fast reader) I got to thinking about S again. I admit, there is still some sadness there, but the guilt was gone for the moment and my head and heart felt clearer. I still firmly believed that I made the right decision.

S and I both need to grow up and I felt that we could not grow together. I might even dare say that I felt a little happy then over my decision. 

My rest of the day went really smooth. I did a little shopping and went to a Broadway play with my dad which was a lot of fun. To be honest, I did not really think about S the rest of the day.

I do hope that he's able to move on from me and not be as damaged as he claims he is going to be from this, and I hope that I can do my own personal growth as well. While walking back to my dad's car I ran into this piece of art that I felt was what I needed to see. 

Hope Sculpture by Robert Indiana

I look forward to the upcoming days,

W



Have you ever felt guilty over breaking up with someone?