Logbook 5

So I had a realization. I realized while watching Jane the Virgin that maybe S was right. I wasn't mature enough for a real relationship. You see I never really dated in high school. I had two boyfriends. One lasted 2 weeks, while the other lasted 2 months. I never went through a fling stage or an exploring stage. The two relationships I was in were with very toxic people. I have never fallen in love or come close to it. I also have never had a long-term relationship.

I was watching Jane the Virgin and the episodes I was watching was all about communicating feelings and trust. It did make me realize that I was half the reason the relationship dies. The other half was S going too fast for me and not listening to me. The thing is, I could have tried harder to communicate through that.

I'm happy we broke up though. He was madly in love with me, but I had lost my feelings for him. I think I knew from the beginning he wasn't the one. You see, I'm bisexual. I have never kissed or had sex with a girl. I have been on a date with one. But I don't want to go through life never doing that. S would immediately dump me if I have ever done that while dating him.

Also, recently I've been starting to wonder if I have actually been in love. Or maybe in love now? You see, my best friend D is this amazing woman I met during the fall of Freshman year. I literally thought she was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. The problem was that my friend at the time, R, had feelings for her. They had talked about her before I met her. As bad as it sounds, I knew they never had a chance in hell with her, but I respected their feelings. A couple weeks later they confessed. Of course, they got rejected. Not only because D didn't feel the same way, but because she started seeing someone. I heard this from my friend.

A week after that. We all actually ended up hanging out. I couldn't believe that I actually had the chance to get closer to D. I mean, I knew she was dating someone, but I just liked being near her and talking with her. However, a few days later she and her boyfriend broke up and she disappeared from my life. I hadn't heard from her and eventually, I learned to stop thinking about her.

Fast forward to this past fall. This is a year later. I end up in class with her and we end up sitting next to her. We naturally just clicked. We grew really close and became best friends. During this time my feelings came rushing back. I didn't do anything though because I am a coward. I didn't want to lose her again. Plus, she was interested in these other guys. In case you were wondering, she is bisexual as well, but like me, she has only been with men.

At some point, she asks me to move into her dorm apartment with her and I accept. Feelings are still strong. I learned to get over them though because she got a boyfriend. My other friends encouraged me to get back out there as well and that's how S came into the picture.

Don't get me wrong. I really did have feelings for him, but nowhere near what I have felt for D. What sucks is that she constantly jokes about how if we were both single she would date. At one point she admitted she would kiss me too. She's been jokingly saying this for a while now. She's having trouble in paradise herself at the moment.

My heart jumps every time she says something like that and I can't help but hope that it comes true. But I know it will never happen like that. She will never look at me that way. Plus, she is in love with her current boyfriend.

Living with her next year is going to be hard. I just have that feeling that it will be. I honestly hope that I can get over her. I want to do it on my own too because I never want to use someone as that stepping stone. I am afraid that I have done that to my last two exes. Which is why I am not finding people right for me. Only toxic people. If I don't actually want something real then I am never get something real?

Anyway, today I realized I was willing to do all the things that S was willing to do for me, but what I wasn't willing to do for him. I feel so bad about that. But as bad as it sounds, I am glad that it happened. It made me realize that I am not in fact not capable of falling in love.


W


Any advice on getting over an unrequited love?


P.S. D has not friendzoned me because that is not a thing that exists. I don't even want people to mention the friendzone here

Logbook 4

I'm a few minutes late but oh well. I honestly thought today I wouldn't post much. That I would have nothing to report, but I do. First, I recently have opened up my Tumblr for divination requests which is cool. I've been giving readings to people and helping them. I even made a new friend!

Besides giving readings, I have not done much today. I just watched tv and cleaned up the back deck a bit. I went out to dinner with my family and then we went to the movies. We saw the movie Book Club. It was hilarious and amazing. I highly recommend it if you're looking for something good to watch.

I honest to God have not thought about S this whole day until some point during the movie. I don't know why, but I thought of his smile and it gave me a pang in my heart. I think it made me miss him a bit. But I don't know if it meant that I still have feelings for him. I think it was me missing my feelings for him. I liked him. A lot. And I miss that feeling. I think I might re-read the letter he sent me to confirm my theory, but I still do not regret my decision. Our chapter is officially done and submitted.

Haha, I guess this post was short anyway.

W


Is there something that reminds you of someone you care about?

Logbook 3

So, today was not that eventful. The only thing that happened was that a love letter from S arrived in the mail today. During our break up talk, he mentioned that he sent it out already and that he still wanted me to read it. So I did.

I was so nervous about reading the letter. I was worried that it would touch my heart in a way that would have made me regret my decision to break up. I read the letter soon after seeing it because I did not want my nerves to act up. The letter was sweet and well written. He talked about how much he was thankful that I have been there for him and he said a lot of really nice things about me.

I feel like a bitch when I say this, but S's letter made me feel nothing. I think it's a sweet gesture, but to me, the letter gave me no feelings and that made me so happy. It reaffirmed that I made the right decision in breaking up. It actually made me feel giddy that I felt nothing. You can read the letter below if you desire.

S's Love Letter to Me

The rest of the day went well. I talked to my friend D. They made a comment saying they admired how well I handle breakups. That comment really hit me because I have never been in love. I honestly don't know what heartbreak feels like. It made me think back to S's words. I wondered again if I was not capable of falling in love. D told me I was being silly and that I definitely will fall in love one day. It didn't reassure me much, but I'm deciding not to dwell on the matter.

I guess there wasn't much personal growth today. Only the affirmation of my feelings happened. I wonder if anything will happen tomorrow.

W

Have you ever received a love letter?